The Soccer Football Movie is a Space Jam knockoff that only works when it’s at its dumbest

Netflix released The Soccer Football Movie in November 2022, days before the World Cup, and the title announces the plan: say the sport’s name both ways and move on. Mitch Schauer’s animated feature runs a brisk 73 minutes and drops two of the best-known players on the planet into a monster cartoon. Zlatan Ibrahimović and Megan Rapinoe voice themselves. “Weird Al” Yankovic voices himself too, as the evil scientist who wants to steal their talent. That is the whole pitch, and the film never pretends otherwise.

The setup is simple. Green slime monsters start popping out of soccer balls, and four young superfans end up as the only people who can help their idols. Artsfuse puts the kids at roughly ten to twelve years old. Their pest-control outfit, Creature Catchers, is a throwaway gag that turns into a job. Highonfilms describes the first meeting with Zlatan: Zana shows off her goalkeeping, Nautai her juggling, and he offers them tickets. Then he opens a gift box and finds a ball with a slug inside, and the film gets down to business.

The comedy works best when it is at its dumbest. Decider singles out one exchange. Zlatan unwraps the box and cheerfully hopes it’s a jetpack. Out comes a mutant slug, and as his powers drain away he cries, “Ahh, what’s happening? This is a new uniform!” The joke needs no setup, and that is why it lands. Ibrahimović plays himself as a vain showman, and Artsfuse says he has a blast doing it. Letting him be ridiculous instead of cool is the right call. Artsfuse also loves the opening announcer who wonders who will be crowned the All-Star of all time, a gag it says gets funnier every time it comes back.

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Yankovic carries the rest. Decider calls him the real star of the show, a pro at making the most of a silly situation who chews the animated scenery, and a welcome presence even if his biopic Weird is the better performance of that month. Artsfuse makes a similar point about his appetite for absurdity, and notes that the cartoon Yankovic looks exactly like a younger version of the comedian. He suits the villain’s part because the film never bothers to explain what the scheme is for. Artsfuse shrugs it off: who knows and who cares? The tone is Looney Tunes, and in that world an evil scientist needs no motive beyond wanting to win.

The template is no secret. Decider calls the film a present-day Space Jam, with soccer players in the Michael Jordan role and a mad scientist in place of the aliens. Artsfuse, for its part, writes off Space Jam 2 as a catastrophe, and this film at least avoids that fate. What The Soccer Football Movie borrows from that lineage is slapstick, which is the right instinct. Artsfuse argues that children’s animation has grown too eager to please adults, with its existential themes and ambitious character arcs, and that plain farce is overdue. I side with that argument, and the film delivers it without apology.

The trouble is who it is for. Decider thinks the humor and tone will appeal only to kids ten and under, yet the film leans heavily on players and celebrities that age group is unlikely to know well. A seven-year-old has no reason to care who Rob Stone is, though he turns up as the commentator at Zlatan’s match, and Plugged In concedes that the famous voices are what will draw viewers in. The catchphrases come thick and fast, and Decider finds the result aggressively goofy and, in the end, a little flat.

Then there is the fright factor, the film’s oddest decision. Common Sense Media warns that the mutant versions of Zlatan, Megan and, later, Yankovic himself have huge teeth, ragged faces and angry eyes, and that the monsters keep lunging at the camera. It lists a man attacking with a spinning bone saw, a slug that bites a puppy’s head (the dog is fine), and a final spider-and-scorpion boss with two rows of teeth and an eyeball suspended at the back of its throat. The same review mentions a running gas joke and a single “butt”. Those monsters sit badly beside jokes pitched at small children. Common Sense Media concludes the film is simply too scary and violent for its intended audience, and a parent who sits down expecting a gentle kickabout will be surprised.

The young leads fare worst. Artsfuse concedes that someone has to be the straight man, but calls the kids arguably the most boring part of the story. Highonfilms shows what the film thinks it is doing with them: they stand on each other’s shoulders to pass as one tall adult with a child’s face. It is a charming opening gag, and the story that follows gives them little more to do than gush over their idols and catch pests. The voice cast, Kieran Walton, Madison Zamor, Tania Gunadi and Arnie Pantoja, is working with catchphrases and reactions rather than characters.

The look is the other weak point. Artsfuse says the film’s appearance deserved more time and attention, though it forgives the shortfall because the jokes are so funny. The soundtrack consists of five songs. One Rotten Tomatoes user called the film a waste of their time and an off-brand Ghostbusters. The verdict is harsh, but anyone expecting polish will see where it comes from.

In the end this is a loud, crude and often funny cartoon with two real flaws: its humor is aimed at the youngest children while its monsters are not, and its stars mean far more to adults than to the kids it courts. Watch it for Zlatan’s jetpack and for Yankovic gnawing on the scenery. Skip it if you want the characters to matter. It asks nothing of your brain, but its monsters may well keep a small child awake at night.

Cast

Photos: The Movie Database (TMDB)

Tags: Netflix, animation, Megan Rapinoe, Weird Al Yankovic, Mitch Schauer, The Soccer Football Movie

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